- Im fucking bored…but not bored enough to read this chapter for my online class
- Spent nearly 2 hours in Target today because of said boredom and walked out with only a backbag, plastic chip clips and candy
- My phone was lost for at least 30 minutes (how long I was aware of it) and the entire time, all I could think about was ‘Damn, I shouldve deleted those pictures’. I cared less about the phone being gone and me not having communication with the world lol
- I think I would look good with dreads. My mini-twists have shrunken up and I like the way they look.
- I could never get dreads though. I love being able to go from my natural curls to straight hair to twists and braids
- I’ve been listening to Melanie Fiona and Childish Gambino all day. Weird mix but this has been a weird day
- I had to talk myself out of buying a iPod, a TV, and a Kindle Fire today. Life has been rough. Money is seriously burning a hole in my pocket
- Popcorn makers are a genius invention. Oh and so is Accent salt. It makes my popcorn taste so much better
- I need May to be over. My body is exhausted from all the self pleasure
- I didn’t throw away that lube I found…
- I feel better about my future love life after writing all those letters. Those memories were good to relive and see the patterns for me
- I want cake but don’t feel like making it.
- Im ready to get my nipple pierced (I know Im doing 1 for sure, still debating 2) so bad but Im worried about the healing process and trying to work out.
- I need a massage so bad
- Glee is stupid. I have to remember that these are high school characters and most of their decisions aren’t going to be smart but damn it, young people have more sense than that, don’t they?
- I finished Parks and Rec yesterday and Im still sad. Can’t wait until it comes back on.
- Time to read a book
Dear H,
Oh course I saved you for last. This probably the hardest one yet. Probably because I have to be completely honest with myself and not keep up appearances. There is so much to say that will never be said. Its just too much and impossible. I know at this point since I won’t communicate with you at all (ignored texts, blocked facebook, unreturned calls), it probably feels like I never loved you. I did. I just couldn’t take not being true to myself anymore. I look at myself in our relationship in two phases: the sweet, don’t rock the boat, so happy I have someone who loves me and don’t mistreat me so I will never leave, me and the I’m learning so much about myself, this is the shit I don’t like, do I have to deal with this forever, I just wanna piss you off, me. So the first half of our relationship was sweet, calm, complacent because I didn’t assert myself. The second half was nothing but resistance and unhappiness because I was growing into the woman I want to be and it didn’t line up with the woman you wanted. Even when we were at this point, I thought things were going to change eventually. We just needed to get aligned but we never did. I realized that our love was getting in the way of my love for myself and finding out the type of person I could be. You want to know when I had this epiphany? The night we broke up. I remember being so distraught about that resident who committed suicide. I didn’t know him but thinking about the context of it all and his death really hurt me and touched the helper in me. I couldn’t help thinking about how I wished that I could’ve helped him, couldve been in his corner, and how I wish I could eliminate the nastiness in this world that makes people consider leaving it. I talked to you before going out to drink. You didn’t understand. You said ‘Why are you tripping? You said it yourself, you didn’t even know the kid.’ I was floored. You didn’t know me or at least you didn’t know the person I was becoming. Four years together and you did not know me. It hurt me and disappointed me. That was my breaking point. Not the negative things you said about me to me. Not the disrespect you shown me or my family. Not your laziness and refusal to get your life together. Not your clear display of jealously on a very important day in my life when you lead me to believe up until it was time to go that you were not coming to support me. Not the way you made me feel like shit for not always giving you want you want. Not everyone telling me that you weren’t the one for me. Not when I alienated my friends for simply telling me the truth. It was this moment when I realized you didn’t love me enough to really know me. My friends, most of who I hadn’t know long, knew me better than my long-term boyfriend. Fucking crazy. Thats what happen to us. Then you went and fucked it all up when you still had a chance. I was seriously thinking about being with you again when that whole situation occurred. Now suddenly our break-up has two phases: the cordinal, lets take it slow for now and be friends ‘break’ and the, I fucking hate you, I can’t believe you would do this to me, where do we go from here, no where!, I never want to hear from you again and have a fucking good life breakup. Haha, how did I become the wrong side of a love song? I went from ‘First Love’ by Adele to ‘Rolling in the deep’. Fuck you for taking me on the whole spectrum of Adele songs lol. I won’t lie, sometimes I think about you. Sometimes I miss you. Its hard not to, we did have 4 years together and not every moment was completely horrid. It’s over and I won’t go back. I know who am I, who I am becoming, what I need, what I want, and now Im striving to go get it. Maybe one day in the future we could go back to being cordial and possibly even friends but right now, Im not ready for that so I think its best that we keep it like it is.
“I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could love you better, lose myself in love and that’s just the way it is…”
Dear M,
Where do I start…gosh I don’t know. You are Mr. Lucky #1. The first guy I was physically intimate with. I am very fortunate to be able to say I had good first experiences because of you. We were truly friends before we were lovers. For 3 months, you gave me your conversation and a peek inside your mind before we got acquainted with each other’s body. That’s more than I ever expected from you. Im not sure where I thought we would go but I knew from the moment I first laid eyes on you, I wanted more. I stepped way out of my comfort zone for you and I got you. Not all of you, but a piece of you. I fancied myself in extreme lust, nearly love, with you. I wanted to be yours so bad but I think our age difference really had an effect in the beginning. I was a senior in h.s, still under my moms rule, and I wasn’t mentally ready for a relationship with you like I thought I was so its for the best that it never happened. I cried about it. I was mad about it. I was livid that I couldn’t be in the place that your ex was, so I walked away. But even though I did, you were there for me when I was confused about what was going on between me and the guy I liked (now my ex). Even 4 years later, you were still there for me when I was going through the bullshit that he was putting me through. Not once, not once did you say ‘I told you so’ even though 4 years earlier you told me ‘If you stick with him and he fucks you over, thats your fault and you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Stop complaining and do what you want but don’t be crying when he hurts you’. You didn’t say it. You were right there with me calling him all types of ‘no good niggas’ instead of making me feel ashamed for being so gullible and vulnerable. I think having you there helped me get over him faster. Not only did you boost my confidence when I was 17 when I was so unsure of the opposite sex and what the fuck to do with them (lol), you assisted in rebuilding my ego and stroke it so nice 4 years later when I needed it the most. I know you are probably confused why we no longer talk. I had realized at one point during our rekindling that I would never be yours. I felt like being with me wasn’t a priority of yours even though we connected so well. It made me feel like that 17 year old girl again and I grown too much for that. Back then, I wasn’t ready for you. Now, I think you weren’t ready for me. Maybe one day in the future, our paths with cross again, it seems to always do, and maybe something will spark. I highly doubt it but you never know. We might finally be on the same page.
“So the next time we meet, We’ll do it again. Whatever your heart’s fixing, Never good or bad. Just in-between, Like any other man”
Dear D,
With you, I was no longer dreaming. You were my reality. You were handsome, funny, and interested in me. It blew my mind. I remember you calling once in the middle of the night because you said you were thinking about me and I swooned so hard lol. We never had a chance. I was with Da. and really trying to make that work. I was felt so guilty for being serious with you when I was in love with him. That’s why when all that stuff popped up with your ex, I waved the white flag. It was my easy way out. I could tell you were hurt and I was conflicted. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t gave you up. Not because things ended up not working with him, but because you were there, in the flesh. You were what I needed and wanted at the time but I was too naive to realize it. You truly made me smile and not feel ashamed for doing it. You shouldve been my first everything. I have happy memories about the almost us. Thank you for showing me I was worth it. I could garner someone’s attention and affection. It was awesome. I leave you with a poem I wrote you a while back (about 5 years ago):
Sometimes whenever i think back, you cross my mind
then i begin wishing I could go back in time
change my judgements, rethink my actions, take back what I said
Because now I’m thinking ‘Damn’ I fucked up something good I couldve had
Your smile swept me off my feet, I still tingle just thinking of it
Your lips, so tender, but i gave it up over some dumb s**t
I miss the way your body hugged me whenever you would wrap your arms around me
the late night phone calls just to say you missed me, I thought together was something we could be
I messed up and now I regret the fact i gave you away
If i could see you again, there would be so many things I would say.
I was dumb, naive, and afraid to get hurt so I walked away because of that.
I know its way too late, but Ill do anything to have you back.
It kinda hurts inside when I think about you and her because you was almost mine
I wish it was your lips I kissed for the first time, your body I felt first inside, I wish we couldve taken that ride
I felt low and I put myself out there and when it became too much I cried
You broken my shell and broke down my pride
but somehow that made me stronger
and the hatred i had for you, I feel no longer
Do you ever think of me any more? Sometimes I think of you
I know I gotta man but if I ever ran into you today, I dont know what Ill do
Unfinished business we have to take care of
I know you in love with her, yes with him, Im in love
but we need the closure
I wanna call out your name, but I know its wrong to give u negative exposure
Just know sometimes you cross my mind
and because i didn’t know it or see it, my love for you was really blind.
Dear Da,
I don’t even know where to start. You were the first. The first I’ve ever claimed to love. You had my heart. You had my mind. Everything I like, the start to everything I know, began with you. You made me a woman mentally. We had a funny thing going. Two whole years and never spent 1 second in each other’s presence. At this point, nearly 8 years later, I know it was nothing but a huge game. One you played very intricately. I won’t spend time thinking about how sad I was in the end. How pitiful I felt. How embarrassed and hurt I was. Naw, this isn’t what this is about. I kept the same number for a long time hoping just once you would call and explain it all to me. Then one day I changed it and I was free from your hold. For the longest, every time I touched myself, I thought of you. I could still hear your voice in my ear telling me what to do, how to do it, and the context of it all. You raised the bar. To this day, dudes have to measure up to you. It hasn’t happen unfortunately. Have you tainted me and the pleasure I wish to have? I hope not. That would be a sad existence. I wish I could get 10 minutes with you. Just ten, maybe 20. I have so many questions. Was it real? Did you really love me? What happen? What was this? Did you even care? How? *sighs* Why, just why? Then I hope you feel completely stupid for what you fucked up. For what you missed. For what you never got the chance to have because baby I was giving it all. Hmmph. Never mind this. I thank you for my first true heartbreak. I thank you for showing me my worth. I know Im worth a fucking lot thanks to you.
“Standing Ovation, congratulation, Damn I was down for it, gave you my heart and all you did was pound on it”
Dear A,
You brought this spark in my life that I’ve never seen before. Is this what highs school is like? Boys like you? From the moment you ever spoke while I was blessed enough to be in the same room with you, I was infatuated. You were my muse. The reason why I wrote. The passion beneath my poetry. I laugh now because when I read back on some of my old stuff, it wasn’t all that great. Just long winded thoughts about how bad I wanted you in my life, in my world, in my mind for a long time. I hated your name but every night I silently screamed it in my sleep because my dreams were the only place I could have you. Once again, I was too scared, too shy, too frightened but rightfully so. You didn’t want me. You didn’t even know who I was. “You don’t know my name.” I was crushed. Rejection at its finest. That situation is the reason that I’m always afraid to approach guys. Am I always invisible? I was to you but its okay. I wasn’t your type. I never made an effort. But I thank you for allowing me to admire you from afar. It made my life worthwhile for quite a long while. I hope life is treating you kind.
Dear J,
You are the reason that I knew I was a heterosexual female. I was young, too young to know about sex but the way you made my body throb when you were around or when you touched me or when you hugged me…god, I just knew. My pure, untouched body yearned to be handled by you in ways I yet knew existed. To this day, I can still envision your smile and the smooth, darkness of your skin. We were kids beginning to go through puberty and things but somehow your acne ridden face combined with your newly deep voice made me want you like crazy. That smile, oh, that smile still hunts me. I was too shy. Too scared, too frighten with the unknown that we never became more than friends. I remember your girlfriend; so pretty but so cool. She was super nice so I couldn’t even hate her or be jealous. I remember thinking, ‘Dang, they’re perfect’. Years after the last time I’ve ever saw you, I tried to search you via the 50 million social networking sites only to come up empty. If our paths were to ever cross again, I will be ready. I won’t be too shy, too scared, too frighten with the unknown. I will be ready to embrace the possibilities. I realized my ‘type’ and the person I see myself with, have your build, your coloring, your smile, your ‘everything that I remember about you’, only better and more mature. You are the prototype. Even if I never am lucky to be in your presence again, I’m glad I’ve met you.
“You’re the only (guy) that I have ever wanted, Every other (guy) is trying to be you”
No lie.
Once I get my nips pierced and finished getting to my goal weight, Imma book a trip. It’ll be my gift to myself. If there was one around here, I’ll go to it like yesterday. Im feeling that comfortable with myself.
I am about to go shopping for some summer clothes and then Im treating myself to a 2nd showing of Avengers.
This is my Pre-Treat Yo Self day. My official day will happen after my vacay.
Bye!
Today went well.
First I went to Kmart because when I was there the other day, they had a shitload of stuff on sale. I get there and find out that apparently those sales were only at the store in Minneapolis. I saw the dress that I liked (that was no longer on sale) and pouted because it was full-price but then I heard a voice in my ear say:
So I did.
Then I went to JcPenney’s and grabbed some more dresses and 2 shirts. Before I got to the counter, I felt apprehensive but that voice said again:
Then I explored the mall, grabbed some new undergarments and active wear without hesitation. I hit up Rue 21 (they never fail me!), flirted with some guy, and bought 5 new dresses
Grabbed 2 pairs of new shoes then headed to see Avengers. By the time I got to the movie, the only immediate showing was the 3D movie. I never pay to see 3D movies, I just sneak in so this was a hard moment for me but that voice came back and said:
So I did and the movie was awesome again. Now Im home, trying everything on, and waiting until Grey’s to go off and a link to show up online so I don’t have to wait until tomorrow to see it, and listening to Melanie Fiona. After this, Imma take a nice soak in the tub and retire to my comfy bed and get really comfy.
I spent about 200 dollars today but
Of what? I dont know. I just want one. They just look so amazing when done right. I never seriously entertained the thought because I’ve always been bigger and hold awesome side rolls. Now that they are slowly disappearing, this want is becoming more realistic by the day. All my tats so far are on my left side of my body so most likely, thats where the tattoo will go.
Maybe next summer? Hmm, hmm? Until then, I am going to starting thinking exactly what I want. A phase or some random swirls and shit? Doesn’t have to be sentimental, just something I like.
Im so close. Im a year out. Ill be done for good (or for a while since Im seriously considering getting my doctorate to be a counseling professor). How will my life be?
At times I like school. Especially because its provided me stability in my life. No matter what was going on in my home/life, I knew the next day or whenever, I would be sitting in a classroom. I didn’t have to think about my problems because I was too busy learning.
Even now while in grad school, I have to luxury of not communicating with family (that I don’t particular like or care for) because of the ‘I’m busy’ excuse. I’m living on campus for free with a meal plan and a bunch of other randoms. Stability. Thats what I have right now. What’s next though?
My biggest fear right now is that a year from now when my stability (aka security blanket) is done and gone, I will have no where to go. Im afraid I won’t get a job. Not because of the job market, economy, yadda yadda, because the jobs in counseling are out there. Im afraid someone won’t want to hire me because of inexperience. Without a job, I have nothing. Ill be stuck. Im so fearful of this that Im creating crazy budgets for now until I graduate to save at least 7 thousand dollars to have as a nest until I get a job. I don’t want to have to sleep on peoples couches. I know I always have this ResLife experience to fall back on, but I don’t wanna make a career of this until I try counseling for a bit because that seems and feel right for me right now.
Im trying to remain positive. Especially since I have a year still. I have my internship in August to start prepping me and getting me experience. No need to stress myself out over something I have no completely control over right now. At least Im trying. I still sit here and wonder, what will post-school look like? Where will I be? What will happen to me once the next step is no longer set up for me? Questions, questions for the weary mind.
…couldve been the fact Im slightly tipsy but it still played with my mind.
I felt like the movie wanted you to hate Summer. Hate her for breaking Tom’s heart. I mean, why did she string him along like that? She had to know he wanted more. I mean what a total bitch!
But then I thought about it more. My muddled brain was able to find some sense of reason. From day 1 (or day 11, 22 something like that) Summer stated she didn’t believe in love, she liked being alone and didn’t want a relationship. Clearly in better words than I just described. Tom still fell for her and fell hard. When they were getting close, she told him again that she wasn’t looking for anything serious (on the bed in the department store). Bam, right there. Explicitly stated. (Maybe she couldve specified more that she just wanted a casual fling that included sex but Tom pulled that conclusion out anyway when they first had sex that night).
You only see the ‘relationship’ from his point of view. You see at what points he fell in love with her. At what points it seemed from his perception that she was doing the same. This didn’t click in my head until he was talking to his sister and she told him that he was only remembering the good times and she hoped that one day that he could look back and see it all. I don’t see how Summer felt during the fling. I didn’t get an idea until the end when they saw that movie together. While Tom was seeing a movie that depicted true love, Summer saw a confirmation that what she had with Tom wasn’t it. Damn.
It was there from the beginning but Tom didn’t want to see it. He probably thought that she would change her mind. I feel like if you been seeing someone for weeks and if its becoming the ‘real deal’, that other person wouldn’t hesitate to ‘put a label’ on it or at least assure you that you are the only one they care about intimately.
I guess for me, what I got from this movie is to not sell yourself short. If someone wants and needs aren’t lining up with your own, don’t hold out expecting them to change. Take people seriously and at their word because its what they mean (if its not what they mean then you don’t want to be involved with them anyway. Why be with someone who’s word isn’t their bond?). Yea, Im sorry Tom felt screwed over. Heartbreak sucks no matter how it happens but I admire Summer for not settling, being upfront about what she wanted (and didn’t want), and not being afraid to let go something that appeared good on paper but wasn’t in reality for her. Yea, I appreciate that shit right there. She isn’t the villain like the movie wanted me to believe.
I nearly cried multiple times. Didn’t expect myself to go all groupie on a nigga. I literally saw sweat pouring from his body and I was feeling indescribable. His singing, awesome. His rapping, so hype. He performed a 15 minute encore for us. It was awesome. I can’t wait until his mixtape comes out because he has some hot new shit that he performed. Childish Gambino was the bees knees. Literally the best experience of my life. I don’t know what can top it. When Im sober, I’ll write all about it.
That was literally the best experience of my life. I could die right now and be ok with the way my life has turned out after tonight.
Dislikes:
- Smelly people
- People who don’t take responsibility for their actions
- Grits
- working out (but I do it!)
- Too much chocolate, peanut butter, miracle whip and ketchup. Small quantities or else I feel sick
- Smores (because I hate marshmallows)
- People who complain but never take action
Likes:
- Music
- Myself
- Arbor Mist Chardonnay or Moscato wines…very tasty.
- Sleeping
- Reading books full of sex
- Orgasms
- Warm weather because I can go swimming!!!!
